Bad Santa

Written Christmas 2006

It is obvious to all of us, that we have major threats we must deal with.

We can no longer allow refuge to the rest of the world. We must patrol our borders, ensure our safety, and our security.

No one is beyond scrutiny, there is too much at stake-and so I call for an investigation of what may be the most dangerous threat yet uncovered to our economic stability. I call for a thorough investigation of Santa Claus, and his North Pole operations.

Lets look at some of the factors to consider.

First of all, do we really know who this man is and where he comes from? He has no known documentation. We know he has at least one alias, and what kind of name is Kris Kringle, anyway?

We know that he employs tiny people in frozen conditions in his sweatshop factory in the North Pole. We know that there have been serious questions of animal cruelty, that exhausted reindeer have been reported.

This is a strange man, a man listed in the Guinness Book of Records for breaking and entering. He has been known to keep cryptic lists, filled with personal attacks and judgments on what he considers good or bad behavior.

He has single-handedly affected the package delivery industry....and, of course, we question where these toys originate.

There has been a history of inappropriate behavior. Children have reported seeing Mommy kissing Santa Claus, grandmothers run over by out of control reindeer. I won’t even comment on what the children on his lap business could really be about.

What I do know is this..... his behavior cannot be tolerated. We must out...Santa Claus!

So this year, when you tuck your children into bed, tell them the truth. Tell them the truth about where their toys come from. Not from a jolly fat man with a sleigh, but off the shelves of the local Walmart. Tell them that the toy truck was made, not by elves held in bondage at the North Pole, but by Chinese workers, working 18 hour days, earning 19 cents an hour.

And this year, as your chestnuts roast, remember this. There is a world outside your window where there are no stockings hung with care. No Christmas turkeys, no joy-filled Christmas mornings. That we strain to think of what we do not already have, should tell us something. It should tell us that there is so much to do.

Merry Christmas, America.